Our Western society today seems to be characterised by a  desire  for instant  everything  -  from  instant  tea  and  coffee  (and  other food products) to instant solutions to  the  complex  problems  of  life.  The other  side  to  the  ‘instant coin’ is the ‘throw away’ syndrome.  If it doesn’t work as well as we want -throw it away, and get another...! 

    When a member of a family gets caught in the confusion of  the  cults there  is  often  a  short-sighted attempt at finding instant answers and simplistic solutions. 

    Some people even promote this instant,  simple solution attitude,  by claiming  that the only way to overcome the problem of a family member in a cult is to kidnap that person and ‘brainwash’ them in reverse. 

    Desperate parents may  seek  desperate  solutions  to  the  hurts  and conflicts  caused  by  the  cults.  We  believe  that  kidnapping and the popular idea of ‘deprogramming’ may be understandable  from  the  parents point of view, but it is not Christian, it’s not morally justifiable, and often causes many other problems and hurts. 

    Families  hurt  by  cultic  involvement  need to respond in ways that bring reconciliation and not further alienation. 

    Christians, of all people, should be able to understand this,  for we are called to a ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-20).  True reconciliation  comes when people are reconciled with God through Christ, which then enables them to be truly reconciled to each other. 

    We believe that the following points can help families (and  friends) respond constructively to those who become involved in the cults: 

RESPOND - DON’T REACT

    Sometimes  parents  come  to  us distraught and confused because,  in frustration, they told sons, or daughters, that if they were not going to leave the cult they could pack their bags and leave home - and they  were taken literally! 

    When  you  find  that  a family member has joined a cult,  or extreme Christian fringe group,  don’t react in an emotional way.  Telling son or daughter  (or spouse) to pack his,  or her,  bags if he,  or she,  is not going to leave the cult may be said in frustration,  and the anger of the moment,  but  can  cause permanent alienation and drive the person deeper into the cult. 

    Express your concern and uncertainty about  the  group,  and  suggest that  decisions  about  deeper  involvement  should  not  be  rushed into.  Suggest  caution  until  further  information  about  the  group  can  be obtained.  If  the  group is genuine and worthwhile,  waiting to join up, and checking it out,  won’t be a problem.  Groups that want  instant  and total  commitment before questions are answered,  and want instant access to a person’s money,  are suspect - to say the  least!  Help  the  family member involved in the group to realise that. 

KEEP DOORS OF LOVE AND COMMUNICATION OPEN

    Take  the  initiative  in communicating with the family member in the cult.  Don’t wait for him (or her) to communicate with you - ask  him  to tell you what he wants to do with his life,  and what he thinks the group has to offer him. 

    Talk to him (or her), telephone him,  write to him - regularly - even if  you  don’t get regular responses back from him.  Treat him just as if he has moved out of home or gone on a holiday - and not as if he was in a cult.  Take an extra effort to communicate with him. 

    Remind him of the good things of the past and of family activities in which he was involved.  Let him know what is happening in, and with,  the family at present. 

    If  he  is  living away from home (especially interstate or overseas) encourage him to send postcards of places he has  been  to,  as  well  as writing about how he is and what he is doing. 

    Keep correspondence,  and other communication loving, non-threatening and non-aggressive or abusive. 

ASSURE THE PERSON OF YOUR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

    Make sure your son, daughter,  or spouse knows that you love him,  or her - and that this love and acceptance is genuine, and not a mere use of words  to  get  your own way in order to make the family member leave the cult and conform to your wants and wishes. 

    Don’t pretend that you accept, like, or agree with the cult.  You can accept and love the person, without loving the cultic involvement. 

    Let the person know that you accept, and admire,  the positive aspect of  what  has  happened - a desire to find God,  a meaning and purpose to life,  a desire to share faith with others - but gently express  concerns about  how  and  with  whom  he  (or  she)  is  doing  these.  Be honest, acknowledge you may not know much about the group and let him  know  that you would like to know more about the group, because you care for him and his search for truth. 

    Let  him know that he is always welcome at home and can always return or contact you without recriminations, if help is wanted or if a break (a breathing, thinking, space) is wanted away from the group. 

FIND OUT WHY THE PERSON JOINED

    People are rarely,  if ever,  kidnapped in the streets,  bundled into cars and taken to a cult brainwashing centre. 

    People  become involved with cults,  the occult and extreme Christian fringe groups,  because they have particular needs that are not being met at the time. 

    The needs can be many - everything from the need to know God,  truth, a purpose for living,  or direction and help in decision making - to  the need to overcome loneliness, lack of self-worth, emotional and/or physical ill-health or lack of the basic necessities of life. 

    Before  trying  to  encourage  or persuade a person to leave a cultic group you should try and find out what needs he (or she)  had  that  made him vulnerable at the time of becoming involved with the cult. 

    You need to discover why those needs weren’t met, or why he felt they weren’t  being  met,  and  then  raise the question of why he thinks this group, the cult, IS meeting the need. 

    Try and raise the possibility,  if not probability,  that those  same needs could be met elsewhere with less concern and less cost involved. 

FIND OUT ALL YOU CAN ABOUT THE GROUP 

    Don’t be content with what your son, daughter, or spouse may tell you about the group he or she has joined. 

    The cult member, having had some needs met at a time of vulnerability, will  have  uncritically  accepted the positive promotional propaganda of the cult.  This does  not  mean  that  you  have  to  accept  it  without question. 

    Be  prepared  to  do  some homework.  Seek information other than the group’s own materials.  Read concerns others may have  about  the  group.  Carefully consider critical responses from ex-members, and others, to the cults’ public claims. 

    Don’t  fall  for  the  cultic  propaganda  that  all  ex-members  are unbalanced and disgruntled apostates distorting the truth.  They may well be telling the truth as they try and counter the claims of the cults. 

    Try to obtain balanced,  non-hysterical or  non-sensationalist  information that  can give you an accurate understanding of what your son,  daughter, or spouse, has become committed to.  Think through all material carefully for yourself. 

    You need to be informed if you are going to be at all  successful  in countering the subtle deceptions, indoctrination, and manipulation of the cults. 

ASK QUESTIONS THAT ENCOURAGE THINKING

    Whether  you  are involved in face to face discussion,  or in writing letters,  try to raise questions that encourage critical thinking on  the part of the cult member. 

    Initial  involvement  with  the  cults  is generally an emotional one based on meeting nice friendly people at  a  time  of  vulnerability  and need.  This  usually  involves  an  unquestioning trust and acceptance of what those nice friendly people have stated. 

    You need to stimulate the new cult member into thinking  for  himself (or  herself) about the deeper aspects of involvement with the group that go beyond the PR aspect. 

    To raise questions that encourage  thinking  it  helps  to  be  well-informed yourself. 

    Avoid  asking  questions  that  have  simple  ‘yes’  or ‘no’ answers.  Remember HOW, WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, and especially,  WHY in asking your questions. 

    But  beware  of  becoming  angry  or  aggressive,  putting the person through  the  ‘third  degree’,   or  turning  your  questions   into   an inquisition.  The purpose is not to force the cult member into the corner so  he,  or  she,  feels  trapped and becomes defensive,  but to make the person think and question cultic claims for himself, or herself. 

DON’T ARGUE OR RIDICULE

    Don’t try and prove that you are smarter and know more  (because  you are an adult,  male/father/husband,  an academic,  or anything else) than the cult member. 

    Sarcasm,  and ridicule of the person who  has  become  involved  (for being  so  dumb  as to swallow all that propaganda nonsense - or anything else) will only cause further alienation - not reconciliation. 

    If you have done your homework well, you MAY know more about the cult than the new member,  and you MAY be able to win a clever argument -  BUT you’ll lose the person. 

    Ridiculing  the  group,  or  its leader(s) will only put the new cult member on the defensive. 

    Be sensitive to the person in the cult and recognise  that,  had  you been vulnerable, you too could have, or may, get caught by a cult. 

    Quiet,  informed  rational discussions that raise pertinent questions and encourages independent thinking is positive  and  constructive.  Such an approach can lead to ultimate reconciliation. 

    Ridicule  and  arguments  are  belittling  and  destructive and cause greater alienation.

DON’T GIVE MONEY

    The cult member may try and use you for support, including asking for money to pay for clothing, food, accommodation, travel etc. 

    Don’t hand over,  or sign over money or  possessions.  You  will  not really  help  the  cult member - instead it can ‘feed his cult habit’ and ultimately be contributing to the cult. 

    Often the cults work on  new  members  to  solicit  money  (or  other valuables, possessions) from them directly, and you, indirectly. 

    If  your family member in a cult wants money to travel home,  arrange for a ticket, or transport,  that cannot be refunded and turned into cash for him and the cult. 

    Be  assured that he will cope without your money - the cult will take care of him,  and if the cult can’t or won’t,  take care of him,  it  may encourage  him  to  think  independently  and  begin to see through false cultic claims and promises. 

DON’T BE OVERAWED, OVERWHELMED OR INTIMIDATED 

    No parent or spouse is perfect.  We have all made mistakes, but don’t be misguided into  guilt  and  think  that  your  son’s,  daughter’s,  or spouse’s  involvement is all YOUR fault.  You may have contributed to his (or her) needs and vulnerability - but at the time of cultic  involvement most people,  including your son,  daughter, or spouse, are old enough to be a free agent and be responsible for their  own  decisions.  Don’t  let them (or anyone else) lay a guilt trip on you. 

    You are not dumb, stupid, or unworthy, anymore than anyone else.  You have  the ability to think (even if you haven’t had a college education), and you have your own personal rights. 

    You  have  the  right  to  refuse  to   see,   or   talk,   to   cult representatives.  You  don’t have to attend meetings.  You have the right to a friend (or friends) or a legal advisor to be present with you if you do meet with cult representatives. 

    Many cults,  and extreme Christian fringe groups,  use  psychological bullying   and   manipulation.   They   can  be  as  persuasive  as  some unscrupulous salesman who can persuade you to buy  a  product  you  don’t really want. 

    Recognise  the  psychological games the cult may try to play with you (often through the family member newly involved in the cult).  Don’t  let the  cult  (or  your  son,  daughter,  or  spouse) belittle,  intimidate, overwhelm, or overawe you. 

SHARE YOUR CONCERNS

    You need to know you are not alone,  or  that  you  aren’t  suffering mental  delusion,   when  you  are  concerned  about  a  family  member’s involvement in a cult. 

    You also need the support and encouragement of others who  understand (even if only vaguely) what you are going through. 

    Share your concerns about the cultic group, in a loving way, with the family member involved. 

    Then,  don’t bottle it up and keep it to yourself, share your concern with caring trustworthy friends,  family members,  and/or a  small  group (other affected parents, church prayer group etc.). 

    The  support,  encouragement and prayers of your own church leader(s) or members can help you face the traumas you may be facing. 

DEVELOP YOUR FAITH

    You need to know where you’re going in life - especially at the  time of trauma and uncertainty that comes when a family member joins a cult. 

    You  need  the  inner  resources  and strength to see you through the troubled time of the cultic involvement of a son, daughter or spouse. 

    Develop your own faith in God through Jesus Christ,  through  regular prayer,  Bible  study,  and  worship  with fellow believers.  In this way you’ll be able to face the traumas and conflicts that may be before  you, and  you’ll  also have a positive answer to the cult member who may think you have no spiritual source of strength or relationship with God. 

HAVE AN ALTERNATIVE TO OFFER

    The family member who became involved with a cult did so  because  of needs not met and/or a search for ultimate truth. 

    Revealing  the  errors  and  deceptions  of  the cult are not enough.  Those needs will still have to be met.  And all the cults have a  mixture of  truth  and  error.  For  the  cult member to leave it all can bring a vacuum, an emptiness. 

    The offer of an alternative choice needs to be made available to  the cult  member.  The  cults  claim  to  be  the only choice available - but theirs is generally a soul-destroying choice. 

    We believe that the best  alternative  to  the  cults  is  a  dynamic relationship  with  Jesus  Christ  -  not a restrictive imposition of one church  denomination  being  superior  to  another  -  but   a   personal relationship that encourages personal growth. 

    If  you  are  developing  your  own faith and relationship with Jesus Christ,  you will have a positive  alternative  to  offer  to  your  son, daughter, or spouse. 

PRAY

    Prayer  is  not  an instant magic wand that makes God do what we want Him to do.  Nor is it a way of psychicly manipulating people  to  conform to our wishes against their will. 

    Nor is prayer the final resort when all else has failed. 

    Prayer opens the divine connection between God and the person praying and  brings guidance,  peace and inner strength and courage.  Prayer also opens the divine connection between God and the person prayed for to make them more aware and sensitive to  God’s  direction  and  will.  It  often opens  the  door to self-discovery and the ability to reason,  relate and have a balanced faith. 

    Pray for the family member in the cult and his or  her  needs.  Pray, knowing that God hears,  cares, and answers prayer.  Draw on His strength when the going gets tough, or if despondency comes. 

    Pray,  and keep on praying - and ask others to pray  with,  and  for, you. 

DON’T GIVE UP

    Never give up.  Hang on to hope, and hang on in there. 

    People DO come out of the cults - some after a short time, some after a long time. 

    Ask God to give you patience, and strengthen your hope. 

    People  are  complex  and  often have complex problems and needs when they get involved with cults.  Those problems didn’t instantly  appear  - and  they  are  not  going  to instantly disappear.  There are no instant answers or simplistic solutions - but help and hope are available. 

    CCG  Ministries  exists  to  provide   that   accurate   information and understanding  for  families in need.  It seeks to help families respond in ways that lead to reconciliation,  when one,  or more members  of  the family get caught in the confusion of the cults.